You are a student but you are not studying

Amir (32 years) shares his story

I come from a migrant family where hard work was the norm. My father, a strict, hard-working man, was the mainstay of our family. My mother, gentle and illiterate, raised us with love and devotion. As the middle of eight children, along with my twin sister, I felt the pressure to make my parents proud. In elementary school, I nurtured a dream. I wanted to be a pilot.
My future seemed bright and full of promise. Everything revolved around being a pilot. My presentation on airplanes earned me a 10, a reward for my determination and passion. But fate had other plans. A visit to the ENT-doctor revealed the harsh reality: my poor hearing and the need to wear glasses would make my dream of flying difficult, if not impossible.

After elementary school, I entered a rather elite high school. I was a misfit at first and often felt left out, a stranger in a world of privilege and opportunity. Although I made friends, I remained lonely in my struggle to belong.

During my high school years, I was determined to pursue my plan-B dream of studying at the Agricultural University in Wageningen. Once enrolled, my father insisted that I continue to live at home and travel back and forth to Wageningen. A decision that broke my heart. Out of stubbornness, I then decided to choose a study, close to home, that I had never heard of at the time. I chose this study based on my excellence in mathematics.

Where my friends found their way into the world of studying, I was left behind, caught up in my own insecurities and doubts. I started lying to my parents, friends and everyone around me about the progress of my studies. I found distraction in club life, where I became socially active and found a sense of accomplishment.

A fire in my home became a turning point, a wake-up call that forced me to face the truth. I could no longer fool myself. With courage and determination, I changed course. I quit my studies where there was no progress anyway and started working. Most crazy jobs I took. I never dared tell my family and friends about the fact that my studies had been on-hold for years. When asked about the how and what, I resolutely brushed it off with a short, meaningless answer: ‘it wasn’t going well’ or ‘I wasn’t happy and I didn’t feel like dragging my feet’.

After a somewhat tumultuous beginning of my turnaround I found my happiness and stability in being together with my better half and at her encouragement I started doing what gave me satisfaction at that moment: I started teaching in secondary education and at the same time I studied part-time to get my certificate.

I now have my second-grade certification and am currently working on a first-grade degree. I teach at a very nice school in a wonderful environment. I consider myself lucky to have a family with two children in the city where I was born and raised.

Vincent (34 years) shares his story. Around the age of 20, pretend studying began. He studied for 4 years and did not finish his studies

It started out of laziness; the first few years of my studies went quite easily for me, which made me feel that I could slow down. I did this by missing lectures more often and “skipping” a study group, for example because of a group assignment I didn’t feel like doing at the time. The non-attendance then caused me to skip the following sessions as well, because after all, work continued with the already formed groups on a particular assignment. This went from bad to worse (missing more groups, therefore failing exams, therefore not meeting certain requirements for participating in other courses). This continued to the point that although I was still enrolled, I very rarely attended college (I still attended college sporadically and then usually left the session during the break).

My surroundings did realize that I was not a very motivated student, but because I also worked several days a week in a job that was also related to my field of study and regularly stayed with my then girlfriend in another city, my days and social life were still well filled. The days I was “free” (that is, the days I should have been studying) I filled with sleeping in and exercising. Although this was “pleasant” pastime, it obviously did not feel that way at the time; I was aware that what I was doing was not right and I felt guilty about it, so I never really enjoyed the free time.

Looking back, I especially regret the wasted time (and money) and the fact that I lied to the people around me about my (lack of) studying. Especially also because my surroundings never pushed me to (continue to) study; if I had indicated that I wanted to quit, I am sure they would have simply accepted this. The reason I have not done this is mainly the expectation I had: that I should be able to do this.

By now I know that the structure as offered at university (with a lot of self-study, a lot of working in groups, a wide range of subjects, much of it very theoretical) just doesn’t suit me very well, and that’s fine.

I don’t know if anything or anyone could have helped me turn things around for the better during this period, but I would have liked to have come to the realization earlier (with or without someone’s help) that quitting is sometimes the best option.

In the next five quotes, Simon (32) shares his experiences:

“You cover up a lecture you didn’t go to and then the exam you failed. That escalates.
I completely neglected my studies for six months and then I just started looking for other forms of pastimes. Taking long bike rides, walking a bit, wandering around town.”

“It can be pretty lonely. Half the day you don’t see anyone because you are supposedly studying and the other half of the day you talk to people but lie to them.”

“Then I told my girlfriend, who of course was completely shocked. She didn’t think I should have had to lie to her.”

“I deprived myself of the opportunity to have good social contact with people during the period I was lonely.
If I had just been open it would all have been a lot simpler.”

“Above all, make sure you talk to someone about it because you don’t have to lie to anyone. It’s not too late to take a big swing at the wheel. Each day when you are open earlier to the outside world is better.”

Source: ‘Pretending to be a student’ in Leiden